2023

2023 has been an insane wild ride. Emotions, mental health, all and any forms of stability oscillating wildly.

I completed my masters course in February, which left me with a sense of guilt and regret. How much time did I take away from my family and duties as a dad, husband and provider? I’m not sure it was worth it. I found some moments of focus and the rare occasions of accomplishment undertaking the course, but the stresses of deadlines and dragging my colleagues and wife through this ultimately completely selfish journey were far too high. I didn’t attend graduation as I felt a fraud ‘celebrating’ the actions of the previous 2.5 years, which also left me feeling guilty and embarrassed, to be the only person out if my group not attending, felt like I had let down the people who had joined me on this journey.

Perhaps in time having a masters degree might prove invaluable, or I’ll recognise some opportunity, experience or method of thinking that will benefit my life, but this year, reflecting on my experience has felt like a shameful act that I’d rather not have undertaken.

Financially this year has been the hardest yet, with ‘advisors’ discussing bankruptcy. That was fucking terrifying. Such an overwhelming feeling that I’d let the family down, being on my own and that I’m completely stupid. Things have turned around, and to a point where we’re mostly successful we’ve ever been, through hard work, dedication and making smart choices. The previous baseline decisions have also proven to have been effective, it’s just taken a little time to recover from Covid and the aftermath of the effect on running a business. Things look good now, which is encouraging and exciting, but I’m wary of ensuring they stay that way. Still some massive changes required before my wife and I feel settled and 2024 is the year that will happen.

Turing 40 in 2023 was an opportunity for a reset point. I was so pleased to sit and burn all my previous regrets, but then promptly developed new ones. I’m unsure whether to burn those too.

The medication journey was scary this year too. Finding myself vividly picturing how I might end my life scared me and put me off using medication to treat ADHD, but now I’m left feeling again like I’m letting my family down by not being present and choosing not to be by not taking meds. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared.

I briefly managed to discover some sense of routine and discipline for the first time in my life, which I was so pleased with, but I think it was at the expense of everything else. I’m unsure how I feel about that. Although I am thoroughly disappointed that it all suddenly left; no longer able to get up in the morning, or achieve the daily minimums I had specified. I think the dark mornings ruined it, so it seems that everything regarding this minute period of structure in my life was predicated on just getting out of bed. Will explore that further.

And lastly, my marriage almost ended this year. My wife is utterly fed up of me and I had to really stick it through to maintain my family. Things seem better now, but there’s a lot of resentment and hurt that needs displacing.

Initially I had thought I’ve achieved nothing this year, and maybe is one sense that’s true, but I have survived. I have survived and recovered from financial ruin, the lowest points of mental health and the end of my marriage. This year ends with my family in tact and set to thrive in the future. Much of the recognition goes to my wife, who has worked tirelessly to support the kids, turn the business around and endure my mental health journey, masters stresses and allow me back into our marriage after feeling hurt by my failings as a husband. However, I am proud that I have endured and managed to take this unsteady life back on an even keel.

2023 didn’t beat me.